She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
