so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
