Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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