so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
