I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Im part way to drunk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
