So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
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