I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
