i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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