the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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