My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
