The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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