it's too hot outside to masturbate.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
