my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
