my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
