I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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