we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
COCAINE IS GR8
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
