The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
