apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
