the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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