There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
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