New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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