You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
