she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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