Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
