How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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