If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
