now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
