what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
