Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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