U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
