He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
