she was so not down for the gang bang
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
