Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
