Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
