Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
