oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
