I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
