I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
