There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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