thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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