god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
