The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
