He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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