I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
