nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
