if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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