dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
