My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
