I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
