I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
